Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
