If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
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Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
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Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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