I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
