Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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