can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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