I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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