I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
