apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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