I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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