nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
