clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
