I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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