if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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