so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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