Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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