Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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