we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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