I skipped work to stalk him.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
