I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
