i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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