And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
