I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
