I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
