I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
