Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
