I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
