i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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