Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
my poor anus
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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