I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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