my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
