im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
