I could have mohawked her pubes.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
