Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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