Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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