Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
