I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
