I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it was like eating out sand paper
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
