i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
