do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Mom said you looked used
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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