i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
