alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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