Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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