They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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