I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
