so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
