My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
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My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
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WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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