Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
