when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
