i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
