well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
