You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
