I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
