She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
