i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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