Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
