Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
