I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
