There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
