You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
